Give yourself the gift of Connection and Belonging this Christmas
Seasons Greetings Mere Kirihimete!
The festive season is well underway and it is almost time to sigh a huge outbreath as we farewell 2023. As is the cyclical nature of life, the high’s and low’s of the past year personally, nationally and internationally, have left many of us feeling emotional and depleted.
It is natural to feel a bit tense and or tired at this time. While this is not the most joyous aspect of the human experience to be raising at this time of year, it can be reassuring to remember that when resilience is low, our adoption related triggers are closer to the surface. This means that grief, loss, disconnection, followed by a sense of aloneness can be felt with greater magnitude. Our sense of ‘where do I truly belong’ can more easily be triggered when with our adoptive or birth family, or maybe we are disconnected from both.
A sense of belonging is vital for our well-being yet due to the impact of adoption it often eludes us. We spend our lives constantly assessing who and how we should be for connection and belonging, while at the same time sabotaging receiving these due to fear of rejection. The outcome of this pattern is that we can't be ourselves, or present to live our own life and be truly happy.
Perhaps we are looking for belonging and our worth in the wrong places. Following decades of personal and professional learning and development I know that the felt sense of belonging actually resides within ourselves as does our sense of worthiness.
Residing at home within is tricky to do. It can feel unsafe initially because being unconscious of the impact we naturally flee out of our bodies so we don’t have to feel the pain. We go up into our heads and /or emotionally shut down then spend hours, even days, ruminating on the negative situation and beating ourselves up.
To truly feel a sense of connection and belonging we need to choose to stay present and at home within ourselves. Where you might normally cry, vent, pick an argument to protect yourself from rejection, freeze, shut down or withdraw, gently attend to your body/mind with calm and tenderness.
We can ‘test’ this new choice by giving ourselves permission to stay connected to ourselves reassuring ourselves that we are enough, do and have enough until we believe it. The truth is we are worthy just as we are, we do belong, we deserve to love ourselves and others wholeheartedly. We deserve to see and to ‘let in the good’ that surrounds us that we literally can’t do when we are triggered, hypervigilant, stretched or stressed.
Be gentle, get support at the start if that feels safer. We are learning to trust ourselves amongst the chaos and mixed messages within us. Choosing to be with yourself with the tenderness you would a young child or grandchild who is suffering, you begin to heal, make your way home to Self. As you do this, your Self worth increases.
As you respond to yourself, including the wounded part, with gentle soothing self talk, a warm caring tone of voice and gentle touch, the tenderness begins to heal, your reactive trauma body feels reassured that it will not be abandoned, as you are now an adult and safe. When you react with fight flight freeze or fawn, you exacerbate the trauma and subsequent pain.
It can be invaluable to further support ourselves by connecting with another adopted person, a support group, or someone who understands is empathic towards the adoption experience. Reach for an adoption related podcast or books to remind yourself that what you are experiencing is normal in the context of your adoptive experience.
Mindful Self Compassion is an evidenced based resource that equips and supports us to slowly feel our experience, let go of the need to control the triggers, suppress or flee from the bodily sensations. Giving the gift of Self Compassion to yourself might be the balm you need to bring more ease to any adoption related or simply ‘being human’ suffering.
Looking back over 2023
Thanks to the efforts of so many in our community, adoption is talked about more frequently and openly. It is now acknowledged by some as a traumatic experience that impacts an adopted persons’ life in ways that can limit their innate potential and significantly influence relationships with themselves and others.
Heartfelt thanks to all of you who have been advocates for change for decades, submitted submissions, researched, written books on adoption, voluntarily set up and are running support groups around the country, and those courageous people undertaking the personal healing work. Each of these take a toll in that we relive the reality of our experience. I encourage you to take time for yourself to rest and restore over the holidays.
Recently a member of the leadership team at the NZ Association of Counsellors mentioned to me that there is increasing curiosity about the impact of adoption, evident in being raised in their professional development webinars that are not even related to this topic. It is timely then that their members will have the opportunity to learn more about this lived experience in two webinars; 12th and 19th March 2024.
While this is good news, the following quote sums up what we need others to be mindful of –
We must be careful not to sanitize, sentimentalize,
or even glamorize the pain of adoption;
it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely personal.
It is interior. The pain of adoption is not something that
happens to a person; it is the person.
Because the pain is so primal,
It is virtually impossible to describe.
James Gritter
'The Spirit of Open Adoption*
Political Arena
If you would like to keep updated on where we are at in relation to legislative change there is an excellent chronology on the Adoption Action website page on this link. http://adoptionaction.co.nz/?page_id=631
The change in government has meant that Kiri Allan lost her portfolio and Hon Ginny Anderson is not available to meet until 2024 so this channel has paused. More work is needed to keep this need for acknowledgement and legislative change to the fore of politicians' agenda's.
Good things may come out of the Royal Commissions inquiry which is due out in March 2024. It will include recommendations to the Government on matters relating to adoption.
Public History Talk
I am pleased to say that the podcast of the Public History talk at the National Library in Wellington in August is now available on-line. Dr Anne Else and Bill Atkin and myself engage in a conversation about all things Adoption: From severance and secrecy to connection and openness. Unfortunately, at the last minute Dr Maria Haenga- Collins and Brigitta Baker were unable to join us. It is an informative dialogue that covers a multitude of aspects of adoption history and experience.
It is available here:
https://newzealandhistory.podbean.com/
or on Spotify here:
https://open.spotify.com/show/4sgWovZyluGnvx8Iok7QVF
Merry Christmas. May the holiday period be restful and restorative through doses of sunshine, connection and lots of whatever nourishes you.
Warmest wishes to you and your whanaū for a Meri Kirihimete.