Growth and healing
I hope that this newsletter finds you warm and well. Welcome to those of you who recently signed up to receive these newsletters. Here is the link to previous ones if you are interested. https://www.jowilliscoach.com/adoption-newsletter
In the April newsletter, I mentioned that while Self-partnership is the key that unlocks the door to a sense of true belonging both within and without, the support of others can deeply enhance our growth and healing. This can be in the form of support groups, books, courses and working with an adoption competent therapist or counsellor.
On the latter, I have been receiving an increasing number of requests from adopted people for these services. One of the challenges for our community here in Aotearoa NZ, is accessing a list of adoption informed and competent counsellors and therapists. In frustration about this, I explored the New Zealand Association of Counsellors (NZAC) website and noticed that there was no ’specialty tab’ for Adoption on any of their counsellor’s lists of expertise.
I wrote to NZAC National Office mentioning this and asking if this is because there are no adoption informed counsellors that belong to their association, or has adoption not yet been acknowledged as a traumatic life long experience that many seek support for. In their response they agreed it was a valid inquiry and that “NZAC Counsellors can enter areas of speciality on their website profiles which people can search for, but unfortunately adoption is not one of them. We are constantly revising the list of specialities so I will ask the membership team to consider adding this”.
NZAC have just advised that their website developers have updated the specialist areas and adoption is included. However while counsellors have been advised that the new specialist area of adoption exists on the system it will take several weeks for them to update their profiles. In the interim, NZAC has provided the following manually gathered list.
See here for the list
As I have not had any personal or professional contact with any of the counsellors on the list, I can’t add anything further except to share what I do when contacting a counsellor or therapist - I ask for an initial conversation before making a formal appointment to see if there is a connection or synergy between us. At that time, I also enquire about their knowledge, experience and training in the area of adoption. Please let me know if, in due course you would like to recommend an NZAC or other counsellor/therapist that you found to be competent and really understood your adoption experience.
Podcast Review
Julia Field, another one of our esteemed Kiwi adopted people to be interviewed on the Pulled By the Root Podcast Series, is featured on Episode 92 recorded on 14th May 2023. As I listened to Julia, I was in awe atthe clarity of her awareness, the heartfelt and authentic sharing of her story combined with the breadth and depth of her adoption knowledge. It was both powerful and special. Heartfelt appreciation for your wise, warm and impeccable kōrero Julia.
We never quite know just when our adoption trauma or pain will be triggered. Many of Julia’s reflections and stories about growing up were similar to my own. One minute I’m enjoying these, then the next I felt a sharp pain in my heart area as she described just how much she had hated and rejected herself when she was young. Yip that was me also. I wept for her, most of the adopted people I work with and know, and myself. I breathed into the pain honouring my experience and soothed it with a gentle warm, but firm hand on my heart.
Tears continued to flow as more memories and grief and loss floated into my awareness. I looked down at my one year old grandson relaxing in my arms. For a moment I imagined that this precious little being could internalise his worth in this way if he had been through the same experience.
Self-partnership means not ‘leaving home’, in other words not abandoning our bodies/hearts when we are triggered or overwhelmed. It means ‘staying close’ to ourselves and choosing to believe so that in time we will know deep within our being, that we did nothing wrong despite our bodies and hearts believing differently. It means choosing to believe that like my grandson, we are all worthy of love, belonging, authenticity and everything good that life has for us. Say this over and over again until you believe it wholeheartedly… because you were/are no different to him or any vulnerable infant or child.
Over the next few days, I quietly continued to process this historic pain and loss drawing on self-care rituals, acceptance based on understanding and Mindful Self Compassion practises. As these feelings slowly dissipated, I felt the warmth of loving, lighter feelings which for me, were a familiar sign that another significant piece of healing had occurred.
Self-Therapy Resource
Personally and professionally, I know that there is much we can do to empower ourselves on our healing journey. Music has been a balm to my soul and uplifted my spirits on many occasions when I have been in pain but until I read the following, I didn’t value it’s potential to be a healer of trauma.
‘Trauma’ is the name we give to pain that has not been fully understood… or even fully felt. It’s a wound sustained a long way back in our past, beyond the outer limits of our memory, and one which may never have quite healed.
To process and recover from trauma, we cannot rely on reason alone. We may need to access a different kind of treatment: one with the power to transcend our conscious, rational mind. Perhaps music enables the most potent of these unfelt feelings to surface”. https://www.theschooloflife.com
The Potency of Groups in Healing
Recently I facilitated two small online groups, bringing together adopted people who I have worked with to meet other adopted peers. Here, they were able to talk about all things adoption, give and receive support and grow together. Witnessing the healing power of ‘feeling not so alone’ through belonging, connection and mirroring to each other their worth, was very moving and feedback was great. They set up a messenger group to support each other going forward.
While on-line groups can meet a need, the in-person ones’ are ideal. More Adoption Support Groups are being set up and one that those of you who live in Wellington might like to know about was recently set up by Elizabeth Marshall. Here is the link to find out the details. The next meeting is at 2pm on Sunday 25th June. For more information contact Elizabeth on 0272227057 or on facebook -
https://www.facebook.com/groups/204134942551890
Videos on Adoption
For those of you who may not have seen the recent TVNZ video at Video: Māori woman reunited with whānau 60 years after adoption (1news.co.nz) There are several comments on the Ministry of Justice’s absence of a timeframe along with a good illustration of what reconnection with whanau / iwi could involve – for future ‘reconnection services’.
On Leave
I am taking a 6 week break to travel overseas with my husband Lawrie from the 17th June and will be back in my office on 31st July. I will only be checking my emails from time to time and will respond fully on my return.
Until then, stay warm and well. X